So I can’t remember the last time I made a diary post but I used to use tumblr when I had a lot on my mind and I guess it’s been a while since I needed to. One thing I hate right now is my inherently awful immune system, and the fact that i’m prioritising work over college despite being stressed about getting good grades more than anything. Like I probably could have made it through today and just recovered when I got home, but going to school and then going to work for 7 hours straight after school would have made me so much more ill so I figured I could stay home and recover before work. It’s not really fair that I have to do that, but complaining about the fact that I get as many shifts as people who work there full time is more stressful than just getting on with it and I need the money. I feel like I’m going crazy, with work and school and being ill and i’m trying so hard to get through it all just to distract myself from missing someone who I need more than anything. On top of everything I feel so unhealthy and I miss running, but i’m too sick and busy to ever do anything. I want to be happier, if I got all my work done, sorted everything out and got better I would be, but it feels like i’m never going to get to that point.

Ugh

I’m so tired of feeling like this every results day.

I get that I could retake, but is it really unreasonable that when almost everyone I talk to is happy with their results and I wish that was me too.

But no I feel like shit, it would be fair if I never put any effort in but I do and I still fail exams.

On the plus side at least I have an interview tomorrow. Not really sure how I managed that when I applied this morning. :)

I’ve realised that going through my ‘diary’ tag doesn’t make me seem like the happiest person, and I guess that’s because I only really vent when I’m sad. Which doesn’t really seem right that I never post when things are actually going ok, and I guess lately they’ve been ok more than they haven’t.

Not living with my dad has kind of made me worry a lot less, and I guess I feel a lot better living in a house that actually has all my stuff in it and isn’t an empty reminder that everyone’s moved on. On the other hand I can easily let myself think about the fact that I left my dad completely on his own and I haven’t spoken to him since then, but I dealt with it for too long and it’s not bothering my brothers, so I shouldn’t have to feel so guilty and like I need to fix things with him.

I couldn’t really ask for much right now, it’s not been that long since I saw most of my friends, I’m going to Bolton next weekend, it’s nice doing what I want all day and getting stuff done, aswell as having someone who makes me really happy :)

I’m sure I’ll feel a lot different when I get my exam results on Thursday lol

I feel like I can never fix things with us. You’re always going to make me feel bad about something, and no matter what I put up with for you to prove that I care you still get angry. 

I hate how it affects me and it doesn’t bother you at all. I hate the way you make me feel, you have to say things you know will hurt me and you don’t even care when you’re hurting me. I hate that I’ve just left things in a position where it seems like I’ve made a choice to leave again, and you won’t let me explain why without making it difficult for me to argue about her.

I’m sorry I just really can’t handle any of this anymore.

I need this to stop.

I need you to stop saying and doing things you know will hurt me, stop comparing me to her, stop getting angry.

Its safe to say this is the worst its ever been, damage wise, and yet the worst you’ve ever been afterwards.

I don’t know maybe you’re right to some extent and it is my fault. It doesn’t help that we’re complete opposites, you’ll let something go as if it never happened and I will never let something go if it hurt me.

So I guess what I need to do is handle it the way Adam does and just laugh it off. Even though that seems so difficult, and he admits that its harder for me because I get things taken out on a lot more and he’s barely here. But it isn’t working by just crying and trying to understand anymore and help you, I just need to let things go

And I tried, you came into my room still pretty drunk and asked me if I was happy now, that I’d had you and James at each others throats because he heard me screaming. And I wanted to cry about how I wish you cared but I just said I’m sorry and hoped you’d leave if I didn’t argue back, which I guess eventually worked. It just left me feeling like crap afterwards.

I hate this, I can’t sleep because I don’t know whether people will be annoyed with me for causing it or if I’ll make it worse somehow.

I don’t want any of this any more.

I’m pretty convinced I’m not good enough to do the things I want to and I wish I could just give up right now.

My brother is shaken shooken? up from being burgled and moved out of his place because he was so scared and I hate seeing him sad because he’s normally the one that manages to stay positive.

It doesn’t seemed to have occured to me that I’m going to Belgium in a day and I haven’t started packing or considered what I’m going to need.

I can’t find my copy of L’etranger anywhere.

I’ve managed to kill my feet walking to school in new shoes and it hurts to walk.

I miss someone a lot.

Things could be so much worse, I don’t know why I’m so stressed right now >:(

I’m so tired of trying to fix your life and ending up being the one who’s upset. All I’m ever trying to do is help you understand it because you never get it, because you won’t look at it any other way other than that everyone is out to get you and your life sucks because things didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped.

And you never understand that the way you take it out on me hurts. And I know that you’re going to end up arguing with me if I tell you what you don’t want to hear, but you don’t realise I’m the only one still cares. It’s unfair that they’re too busy with their own lives to deal with this so I have to, and you don’t even see that.

I’ve given up on trying to stay postive.

I feel awful.

My dad texting me hasn’t helped. I hate being so worried about so many people. I hate how stressful exams are. I hate that I can’t revise because I can’t focus on anything. I hate being on my own so much. That I left my dad. That my mum isn’t here. That she lies to me about where she’s going. I hate that my brother’s are so far away. I hate that he’s so far away, that the person who can make me happier than anyone else can also make me sad when all I need is for him to be here and he can’t be. I hate myself for being a shit friend and I hate that I can’t make it better.

I really hate being in a stressy mood, but today’s the closest I’ve felt to how I used to be. And I don’t know whether that’s a good thing. It’s just been really weird not feeling like myself. Regardless I’ve still been happier over these past few months than over the past 2 and a half years, and I’m so greatful for the way things have turned out. I just wish my head wasn’t such a mess right now. 

As much as I love my brothers, I hate them for leaving me to deal with this.

Today reminded me of how much I have had to do this over the past two years, and the fact that I’ve done it more than they ever have, the fact that they’ll never understand how much it’s all been put on me.

I pointed it out to my dad, that it’s not fair. Because I’m the youngest, because I’m still in school, because I was 15 and was the one who didn’t have any other choice but to be here. He said that they had their own lives to deal with.

And it’s getting to the point where I just want to deal with mine. I just want to do well, I just want to get into the university I’ve planned to go to, and he doesn’t see that. Because if I had a life like my brother’s do, there will be no one to sort him out and that scares me as much as I think it scares him.

I don’t know why I haven’t written anything personal on here for a while. Possibly because over the last few weeks I’ve tried to convince myself that I’m ok, so talking about how I don’t want to feel wouldn’t make any sense.

And it’s true. I’m sick of feeling like this. I can’t imagine how annoying I must be to the people around me. Maybe that’s why I keep falling out with them. 

You’re sitting across the room from me now and in the 2 minutes I’ve sat writing this you’ve already made me feel progressively worse.

Just stop it. Stop drinking. Stop talking to me when you’re drunk. You don’t realise how unfair it is that I have to remember all the hurtful crap you say to me, and you won’t even remember the next morning. 

It’s been really weird this week. You were so close to what you were two years ago, and it was terrifying. 

I can’t deal with you like this anymore. I either have to stop caring to be happy or you have to stop tearing me apart at every opportunity. 

I’m finding it so hard to just be happy. 

So I’m trying, I really am, to just stay positive. But to stay positive you have to constantly remind yourself to push everything away, and I’m ending up thinking about it more.

I mean I get it

Being depressed all the time = people think you’re pathetic

I’m hoping it’s just because it’s coming up to 2 years, and this Christmas is going to suck even more than the last one

I think if I learned how to stop comparing myself to everyone else, realising that I’m not just going to be happy if I have all the things it feels like everyone else has. To stop feeling bad when I hear people complaining that they haven’t had a relationship in four months, or that they’d cry if their boyfriend bought them a size 10 something when they’re a size 8. Why isn’t it that I’m just happy with what I have. 

I used to think it was just society, it’s not is it. It’s just me. I’m so messed up. 

Well this was longer than I expected, just needed to figure some things out.

I appear to be in some sort of terrible mood, and it’s just hit me that I probably shouldn’t have taken it out on other people the way I have been doing. 

As in, I’m annoyed with people when I wouldn’t normally be, and I shouldn’t be taking out my problems on them.

It’s just really hard to talk about my problems right now when it’s scaring me so much. Everything feels so fragile. I can’t handle losing anything else.

I just hope I’m worrying about nothing, and that everything sorts itself out. I know that nothing ever really goes right for me, but I just need it to not get any worse or I’m not going to be able to carry on 

Despite my terrible frustration issues, it’s been an interesting day. I was informed of the activities I got up to when I was drunk, which I admit has made me laugh. xD 

I’m sick of waiting for things to get better.

Trying again and again and not getting anywhere.

For two years, and everythings exactly the same as it was then. And I don’t see why it won’t be in another two years.

It gets to the point where your life’s pathetic, and you know that other people realise it to. I wish I wasn’t so pathetic. 

It’s funny that I used to think good things would happen to people who need them, that need something good to happen them after going through constant shit.